I think that giving bad news is just as bad as getting bad news.
I watch this show, called Parenthood, and on this week's episode one of the characters had to tell her whole family that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The episode ended with a close up of the reactions from each family member...and you guessed it....among them were: shock, horror, fear, pity, sadness, and the oldest boy in the band....tears.
Now I know it's just a tv show and all, but it reminded me of the looks I've seen on my friends and family's faces, when I've had to deliver the bad news. First, there was the time I had to tell them I was BRCA1 positive; then there was the time I shared I would be having a mastectomy; then (and most recent) the tumor that was found in my ovaries, and the possibility that it could be malignant; and lastly, the decision I made...to have a hysterectomy and oophrectomy.
As I watched the episode, I thought to myself......"At least this is something I will never have to do....look at my family and friends and say...I have cancer." Although I know that no one is ever 100% safe from it....my chances of getting ovarian cancer have now decreased from 50%, to less than 5%....and to me, that makes all the difference in the world.
I've had to give a lot of bad news in the last 2 years....but I never wanted to look at my loved ones and say that the worst has happened. It's a heartbreak.....and who wants to be a heartbreaker anyway ?!...not me.
I did what I did....for them as much as for me. One week post-surgery, and I still feel I have made the right decision for me, and for my family...and now I can move on. I don't know what my future holds....but one thing I do know...I'm not afraid because God's got this!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Dr. Jekyll and "Ms. Hyde"..
The madness started at about 7:05 am...that's when I woke up.
I immediately felt awkward not waking up in the same room I've been waking up in for the last 4 years.....but I figured that the "new house/move-in" jitters are pretty normal, so I held it together ok.
I found some sweat pants and a tshirt on my bed (my entire wardrobe is in the trunk of my car).....and went downstairs.
My hysteria got a bit more intense as I paced from room to room...making my way around the clutter....It all just felt so strange, and new...and I was out of place.
I started playing my guitar...becuase that usually relaxes me....and sure, it worked for a bit.
The madness really kicked into high gear around 9:15 am....when my sister came downstairs and I started exploding tears like a baby...guitar still in hand.
I'm not even sure weather it was the move, or the fact that I'm still in pain..... or the fact that I have no cable (essential to my well being!) Then again, it might have been a combination of all of it.
In the last 4 weeks I have: gotten a call from the doctor saying they found a tumor in my ovaries, that may or may not be malignant; made the decision to not only remove the tumor..but my ovaries and uterus along with it; made peace with the fact that I will never have biological children; had major surgery; got amazing news about the tumor (benign...benign); was in terrible pain for days, and am still not able to move around that much; got 4 brand new scars on my already scarred stomach; and last but not least....said good bye to the house I love and moved into a brand new house with a significantly smaller closet in my room!
Now I can't be sure.....but I think all this merits a freak-out! Well, I've had mine.....I knew it was bound to happen.....and I think that sometimes it's absolutely necessary to just cry it all out!
As it turns out, I woke up this morning and feel much better....got my perspective back....and was able to convince Comcast to come out today and install my cable! I may even venture out to IKEA and buy a brand new (roomy) closet.....All's well that ends well.
I immediately felt awkward not waking up in the same room I've been waking up in for the last 4 years.....but I figured that the "new house/move-in" jitters are pretty normal, so I held it together ok.
I found some sweat pants and a tshirt on my bed (my entire wardrobe is in the trunk of my car).....and went downstairs.
My hysteria got a bit more intense as I paced from room to room...making my way around the clutter....It all just felt so strange, and new...and I was out of place.
I started playing my guitar...becuase that usually relaxes me....and sure, it worked for a bit.
The madness really kicked into high gear around 9:15 am....when my sister came downstairs and I started exploding tears like a baby...guitar still in hand.
I'm not even sure weather it was the move, or the fact that I'm still in pain..... or the fact that I have no cable (essential to my well being!) Then again, it might have been a combination of all of it.
In the last 4 weeks I have: gotten a call from the doctor saying they found a tumor in my ovaries, that may or may not be malignant; made the decision to not only remove the tumor..but my ovaries and uterus along with it; made peace with the fact that I will never have biological children; had major surgery; got amazing news about the tumor (benign...benign); was in terrible pain for days, and am still not able to move around that much; got 4 brand new scars on my already scarred stomach; and last but not least....said good bye to the house I love and moved into a brand new house with a significantly smaller closet in my room!
Now I can't be sure.....but I think all this merits a freak-out! Well, I've had mine.....I knew it was bound to happen.....and I think that sometimes it's absolutely necessary to just cry it all out!
As it turns out, I woke up this morning and feel much better....got my perspective back....and was able to convince Comcast to come out today and install my cable! I may even venture out to IKEA and buy a brand new (roomy) closet.....All's well that ends well.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Doctor's Orders!
Day 3 post-op....and in the interest of full disclousure.....I think I'm getting hot flashes!
The doc called yesterday, and I ran it by her...she says that can happen....but I'm having difficulty figuring out weather they are in fact hot flashes. They occur pretty randomly, and only last a few seconds...so I can't say it's been that annoying. If this is the worst of them, I think I got off easy!
My stomach is slowly deflating to its original size...but we're not completely there yet. Upon waking up from surgery, my bladder felt so heavy and full....and my stomach was so incredibly bloated...due to all the gas they pumped into me during the procedure. I remember saying "I'm so bloated I look like I'm pregnant"....immediately followed by the thought "oh wait, I'm never actually going to be pregnant". That stung....but truthfully I was too focused on getting home, to actually dwell on that realization.
I was very determined to get discharged...and once they threatened me with a "catheter"....I started downing water like a champ...and was finally able to empty my bladder....so they had no choice but to let me go home. Mission accomplished!
Aside from feeling exhausted....and disguting from not being able to wash and blow dry my hair....my stomach pains are really the worst part of it. The doc says I'm experiencing more pain than the norm, probably due to my previous stomach surgery (DIEP reconstruction after mastectomy). It left my stomach really tight...so the gas they pumped me with might hurt a bit more than usual..."a bit????"
I was told to walk around my house, which I'm doing.....but was also told not to lift anything! Tomorrow is moving day...(did I forget to mention?) and I have been told to basically disappear and not lift a finger....so I guess my sis and brother in law will have to do all the heavy lifting. You see that, there's a silver lining to everything.
The doc called yesterday, and I ran it by her...she says that can happen....but I'm having difficulty figuring out weather they are in fact hot flashes. They occur pretty randomly, and only last a few seconds...so I can't say it's been that annoying. If this is the worst of them, I think I got off easy!
My stomach is slowly deflating to its original size...but we're not completely there yet. Upon waking up from surgery, my bladder felt so heavy and full....and my stomach was so incredibly bloated...due to all the gas they pumped into me during the procedure. I remember saying "I'm so bloated I look like I'm pregnant"....immediately followed by the thought "oh wait, I'm never actually going to be pregnant". That stung....but truthfully I was too focused on getting home, to actually dwell on that realization.
I was very determined to get discharged...and once they threatened me with a "catheter"....I started downing water like a champ...and was finally able to empty my bladder....so they had no choice but to let me go home. Mission accomplished!
Aside from feeling exhausted....and disguting from not being able to wash and blow dry my hair....my stomach pains are really the worst part of it. The doc says I'm experiencing more pain than the norm, probably due to my previous stomach surgery (DIEP reconstruction after mastectomy). It left my stomach really tight...so the gas they pumped me with might hurt a bit more than usual..."a bit????"
I was told to walk around my house, which I'm doing.....but was also told not to lift anything! Tomorrow is moving day...(did I forget to mention?) and I have been told to basically disappear and not lift a finger....so I guess my sis and brother in law will have to do all the heavy lifting. You see that, there's a silver lining to everything.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
r*e*s*p*e*c*t......find out what it means to me.......r*e*s*p*e*c*t......got a hysterectomy.
I' m two days post-op, and all i can say is.....ouch!
The day of surgery started very early, was in the pre-op holding area, strapped on to 3 ivs by 6am. Shortly after that, the doc arrived and came to talk to me and the family. She explained the details of the procedure, but all I noticed was that she was holding my hand the entire time. I really like my doc.
Soon after that, my prince charming Mr. Anasthesiologist showed up, and Rosie started to go bye bye......and all i remember thinking was "please God let this be the last time"....
About 3 hours later i started to come to. My stomach felt like it was going to explode, in fact, it's been 2 days and it still feels like it' s about to blow!
A few minutes after I came to, my dad arrived to the room and told me that the surgery went well and that...get this....the tumor was benign. EVen though I had already been told.....I just kept on asking..."was it really benign?" I must have asked like 8 times.
Sometimes you get so used to hearing bad news, you stop thinking you'll ever hear a good one. But Blows1's got notin' on my God!
The day of surgery started very early, was in the pre-op holding area, strapped on to 3 ivs by 6am. Shortly after that, the doc arrived and came to talk to me and the family. She explained the details of the procedure, but all I noticed was that she was holding my hand the entire time. I really like my doc.
Soon after that, my prince charming Mr. Anasthesiologist showed up, and Rosie started to go bye bye......and all i remember thinking was "please God let this be the last time"....
About 3 hours later i started to come to. My stomach felt like it was going to explode, in fact, it's been 2 days and it still feels like it' s about to blow!
A few minutes after I came to, my dad arrived to the room and told me that the surgery went well and that...get this....the tumor was benign. EVen though I had already been told.....I just kept on asking..."was it really benign?" I must have asked like 8 times.
Sometimes you get so used to hearing bad news, you stop thinking you'll ever hear a good one. But Blows1's got notin' on my God!
Monday, October 1, 2012
That Taylor Swift knew what she was talking about...
I can only think of one thing that is more annoying than pre-op tests......"day before surgery" pre-op preparations. Then again...maybe they're equally annoying.
Now, I've already done this once or twice...hence would probably not need the checklist, but that didn't stop the doc from shoving a preparation DVD into my purse before I left her office last week. I did go home and watch the DVD, and I will admit that it was very informative, however, I couldn't help but feel....been there, done that, bought the souvenier. Still, I'm glad I watched it...mostly because, I knew my doc would ask me, and let's face it...she's about to cut me open, so the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side!
She instructed me to drink a ton of Gatorade today, as well as 8 ounces of Magnesium Citrate...to clean out my system. Done...and done!
Let's bottom line this....tomorrow sucks! I am not thrilled by what I have to do, but know that I am doing the right thing for me, and that brings me comfort. I am pryaing for a successful procedure, and a speedy recovery. My life will surely be different from here on out, but I am relying on God to make this a smooth transition for me.
By this time tomorrow, these "decisions" that have haunted me for 2 years will be history...and as far as my ovaries go...well I think Taylor Swift said it best....after tomorrow..."We are never ever ever getting back together..like ever!"
Now, I've already done this once or twice...hence would probably not need the checklist, but that didn't stop the doc from shoving a preparation DVD into my purse before I left her office last week. I did go home and watch the DVD, and I will admit that it was very informative, however, I couldn't help but feel....been there, done that, bought the souvenier. Still, I'm glad I watched it...mostly because, I knew my doc would ask me, and let's face it...she's about to cut me open, so the last thing I want to do is get on her bad side!
She instructed me to drink a ton of Gatorade today, as well as 8 ounces of Magnesium Citrate...to clean out my system. Done...and done!
Let's bottom line this....tomorrow sucks! I am not thrilled by what I have to do, but know that I am doing the right thing for me, and that brings me comfort. I am pryaing for a successful procedure, and a speedy recovery. My life will surely be different from here on out, but I am relying on God to make this a smooth transition for me.
By this time tomorrow, these "decisions" that have haunted me for 2 years will be history...and as far as my ovaries go...well I think Taylor Swift said it best....after tomorrow..."We are never ever ever getting back together..like ever!"
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Put down that dumbell!!
I got all of the important questions, and all the BIG concerns answered during my first consultation. Now that the decision was made, and the surgery was scheduled...it was time to go over the "recovery-day to day" stuff.
My latest pre-op appointment went a little something like this:
Doc: do you have any questions or concers?
Me: will I have to stop working out?
Doc: (holding back a "duh" look) yes, for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: (holding back an "I hate you" look) really?
Doc: yes!
Me: for 6 to 8 weeks....really???
Doc: yes and YES!
Me: Is there anything at all I can do for excercise?
Doc: Yes, I do want you to walk. Walking will be good for you.
Me:(expressing an "I just saw a silver lining" look) oh that's great! how many miles are we talking here?
Doc: (expressing a "concerned" look) miles?? I meant you can walk in your hallway at home.......
My latest pre-op appointment went a little something like this:
Doc: do you have any questions or concers?
Me: will I have to stop working out?
Doc: (holding back a "duh" look) yes, for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: (holding back an "I hate you" look) really?
Doc: yes!
Me: for 6 to 8 weeks....really???
Doc: yes and YES!
Me: Is there anything at all I can do for excercise?
Doc: Yes, I do want you to walk. Walking will be good for you.
Me:(expressing an "I just saw a silver lining" look) oh that's great! how many miles are we talking here?
Doc: (expressing a "concerned" look) miles?? I meant you can walk in your hallway at home.......
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Ok fine, I'll say it....what about sex?
One question came to mind....what about sex? Seeing that, after the procedure, I wouldn't be allowed to take part in the wonderful "hormone therapy movement", where would that leave me? Would I actually want to have sex? and would I even enjoy it after all this?
You might think this is a stupid concern to have,when your life is at stake, but for me....well I chose to wait until I was married, which technically makes me a (she says in a hushed tone) v*i*r*g*i*n. So I wondered if all this meant that I would never experience sex like everybody else. Which would be yet another way that this gene (BLOWS1) makes me different from other people.
According to my doc, sex drive will deffinitely be effected...but seeing as sex for a woman is very emotional....maybe even more so than physical...this particular side effect can vary from woman to woman.
Seeing as I'm "single central" at the moment, I won't have an answer to this any time soon. But no worries, once I know....you'll be the first I tell.
You might think this is a stupid concern to have,when your life is at stake, but for me....well I chose to wait until I was married, which technically makes me a (she says in a hushed tone) v*i*r*g*i*n. So I wondered if all this meant that I would never experience sex like everybody else. Which would be yet another way that this gene (BLOWS1) makes me different from other people.
According to my doc, sex drive will deffinitely be effected...but seeing as sex for a woman is very emotional....maybe even more so than physical...this particular side effect can vary from woman to woman.
Seeing as I'm "single central" at the moment, I won't have an answer to this any time soon. But no worries, once I know....you'll be the first I tell.
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